Speaking for a Computer - Part Two

.... to pick up where I left off in Part One... (still the jumpy narrative of funny things I said...)

Other times I gave immense detail on the history of a person’s hometown – Bristol is quite fascinating – or talked a lot about my hobbies of both working in a greeting card shop and being a computer hacker / computer security consultant with too much money that I didn’t know what to do with it all. Insert long tangent about the economy, that I had to repeat, and how I don’t trust banks. Don’t forget that in my spare time I build demolition robots – with a detailed history of the “sport”. Haha – those poor people just couldn’t figure me out. Anyway, this proceeded for quite a long time, and I’m sure random things will pop up in my memory that I’ll try to explain but probably just be awkward about. One lady, after saying I was a hacker, asked me if I ever felt judged when I told people that. Oh boy, I felt the judgment lady – but honestly, I can hardly hack into my own computer… so let’s try to be nice. She told the researcher she really didn’t like me at all. Haha – but can you blame her? Anyway.  The saddest one was somehow a girl thought I was having dating trouble – ME? No. Ha – but anyway, she asked me if I wanted to talk about it – which I replied “Yes.” And then didn’t say anything else for the rest of the conversation… And it really didn’t help when my friend kept laughing as he was telling me what to say and so I tried to keep it together… but occasionally would laugh as/before saying the line… which only added to the confusion.

BUT I guess, what I really want to focus on, though remembering the awkwardness was fun… was how I felt I guess, as a computer-human. And after, having small-talk conversations with people… there was a little carry-over. Sorry.

The first day was incredibly hard. I mean, it was awkwardly funny as it would be, but it is kind of painful to go against social norms, or just not be able to tell someone you actually understand them and they are not an idiot, or that I’m not always that awkward – though it was eerily familiar at times… haha…? I don’t know. It was also really touching to see people continue to reach out to me, try to connect, try to make sense of me – and help me be comfortable too. And to be someone to make so many people uncomfortable was a bit hard. It didn’t help that afterwards, they would fill in a survey about “me” – before they knew who I was. Like, did I seem intelligent? Yes, generally… but they also tend to avoid people like me and couldn’t see me as a nice / friendly person – which the computer wasn’t entirely, obviously… but anyway, I don’t know how to really convey how much I felt connected to the person they were answering questions about – I mean, it was the computer’s words but it was me giving them… and since I tend to almost always feel incredibly awkward in small talk situations, I felt like this must be what people think of me, Cristina, when I first meet them. And, a lot of human communication is nonverbal, and I am not convinced I’m up to date on social norms. So, yes… it is feasible that they were in part responding to me and not just the computer’s words. Anyway. The first day was hard, I was not excited to come back the second day… sorry to my friend… BUT I did. For science. Haha. And because it was my friend. Oh! And got really good at just this little attempt at a non-committal head nod, a little bounce in between yes, no, and I don’t know. It was awkward and that’s all. But, it gave me something to do while I waited or just felt awkward. So I bounced …a lot …obviously.

The last day, I was so tired, I just tuned out what people were saying and just said my ‘lines.’ It was easier to say that their opinion of “me” was really the computer they were responding to and not me (though I haven’t ruled that out completely). It definitely was still awkward, but I was better at using the computer’s words and still responding how I would – like how much I loved cheese toasties, I made it into a bit of a joke which diffused some of the tension. And, the last day passed more quickly because there weren’t so many no-shows, so I didn’t have as much time to over-analyze what people thought of me or how I was doing as a computer human.

My general takeaway, I guess, from this study is what it means to listen to people – to respond and consider their perspective. Also, something I really need to work on is eye contact. In general, I tend to not hold eye contact, especially when I am feeling awkward – and it didn’t help that my friend had directed me not to look at the individual as often. But I already struggled in this area. So, many would have said I had a problem with social norms… It is interesting how painful awkwardness is. And how much I just wanted people to know me, to know I had feelings and actually cared about them, at least a little. It will be really funny if I ever meet any of the participants. Haha. Anyway, to conclude, it was a really interesting experience and I am glad I had it and that it is over.  I wish I felt more confident in my understanding of social norms and conversations with people but maybe I am more like a computer than I originally thought. Who knows? :) Well, I do – though, if asked, like the first thing I asked someone, “are you a robot?” they responded “No!” - “How do I know that you’re a human?”, I don’t have a good answer. What does it mean to be a human? Can computers mimic us, are we a complicated but yet still possible, computer program? Or is there something else? Anyway. These are interesting thoughts and it is too late to continue typing about them.

This is me...

NOT THIS: